The “Art” of Mastering Difficult Conversations with Employees

I remember the first difficult conversation I had to have with someone who worked for me. They were not performing well and although we had discussions about it, things weren’t getting any better. I could feel my stomach getting more upset as the time approached for the conversation.

I knew that it was not going to be easy to say what I needed to say, and it would definitely not be easy for them to hear. I had taken the place of a previous manager who liked to avoid conflict with people, so this would probably be the first real feedback conversation this person would have. No one wants to hear they are no longer the rock star they thought they were. I was prepared for their anger, frustration and maybe even tears. All of the above happened including a threat to go to HR about the feedback I had given.

Is There an “Art” to Having Difficult Conversations?

I was working with a client yesterday and discussing how to have a difficult conversation with one of his employees. He said, “there really is an art to doing this well, isn’t there?” I hadn’t thought about it in that way, but I believe he is right. Although it would make it easier to follow a process, there is no perfect formula to follow for every conversation. Every situation is slightly different, and you are dealing with human beings who are all coming at the situation from their own perspectives and experiences.

Having this conversation is difficult for both sides. Recognize that they may get defensive and need some time to process what they have heard. It may be beneficial to get back together the next day so they can respond before discussing it any further. Take your cue from them and offer the suggestion to meet again the next day, if you think it would help them.

The best thing you can do is to be calm, be honest, share the facts, allow them to have input in the conversation and discuss next steps. Giving them ample time to respond allows you to confirm that they have heard the message and will be doing something differently going forward. If you can have this conversation coming from a place of authenticity and integrity, then it will happen in the best way that it can. Prepare for the meeting and trust that you will know what to say in the moment.

How Do You Prepare for Difficult Conversations?

Having a difficult conversation isn’t the hardest part. Preparing to have one is much harder. There are many things that can occur. Some of these things you can prepare for and some you can’t. All you can do is plan as much as possible to have the best conversation under difficult circumstances.

Here are some of the things to think about when you are planning the conversation:

• What are all the things that you need to say?
• How can you say it to help them receive it in the best way?
• What objections will they have that you can address proactively?
• What questions can you ask to better understand the situation?
• What do you think you may be assuming that could be wrong?

The last question is key. I have learned over time that assumptions can get us into trouble. We may see the situation happening one way in our mind and the complete opposite could be occurring. Checking those assumptions is one of the best things that you can do to ensure your own clarity.

Do you truly understand why they are struggling? It is easy to make judgments and potentially be missing out on some key facts. What if you assume that they are doing their best, but something is holding them back? Is there something going on in their personal life? Do they need more support from you or additional training? Asking questions to better understand what is going on for them can help the conversation have a higher level of success. You may learn something that you didn’t know was happening for them or that you can easily help them so that they can move forward.

Avoidance is Never the Answer

Avoiding a difficult conversation can be a normal reaction because it can make you feel uncomfortable. However, avoidance only delays the inevitable. You are still going to have to talk to the person eventually and the longer you delay the more challenging it becomes.

Although it is difficult to have these conversations, it is part of your role and you are doing what is right for your team and the company. Your team is seeing the lack of performance just as much as you are. Your management is watching to ensure that you are going to handle the issue. Have the courage to hold people accountable, but also remember to have compassion for the person going through it.

Most of the time the anticipation of having the conversation is way worse than the actual conversation itself. Just like sitting in traffic, you just need to have the patience to wait, plan out your conversation, go forward and make it happen. The only way to get through difficult conversations is not going around it but going through it. You will be able to both move forward and reach a great outcome. The art of having difficult conversations should always be about creating a win-win situation for all involved. Even if it’s not the outcome you originally planned for.

Susan M Barber, President of Susan M Barber Coaching & Consulting, LLC, works with individuals, teams and organizations to build skills that leaders need to attain breakthrough results. Her passion for coaching and leadership development is driven by seeing the transformation of leaders as they reach far beyond their own ideas of success. She continues to drive custom programs for groups that want to make changes in their careers to become more powerful leaders.